Go Fug Yourself: Because Fugly Is The New Pretty

Fug Romance

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WTF

Yes, this is very attractive:

[Photo: Splash News]

As I said to the helpful member of Fug Nation who directed me to this photo, I actually kind of want this jacket. I plan to wear it on long flights to facilitate napping. It's at least as attractive as one of those pillows that you sling around your neck, and it will get a much more amusing reaction from your seatmates. Can you imagine slithering into the middle seat in economy on a full plane wearing this? People's faces would provide in-flight entertainment for at least forty-five minutes, and then you could drift off, your face comfortably cradled by the warm embrace of your freakishly gigantic shoulder pad. Bliss.

Rated Fug

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I admit, I am dying to know what RiRi is talking about here:

Perhaps the amount of gin she had to give Liza With a Z before Ms Minnelli allowed her to raid her closet in order to borrow this particular ensemble?

Fug or Fab or Unfug: Natalie Portman

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The only thing I am totally sure about in the below photograph: Natalie Portman has great legs. Okay, and shoulders. The TWO things I'm sure about are the legs and shoulders. And she has great skin. Three. THREE things I'm sure about are legs, shoulders, and skin. And no one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

[Photo: WENN.com]

The rest is up in the air. Part me thinks this is adorable -- sweet, frilly, Smurfy in all the right ways -- and part of me wonders if having an accessory in nearly every color of the rainbow means Roy G. Biv is her new stylist.

poll by twiigs.com

AMA Fug Carpet: Bobby Trendy

Poor Bobby Trendy. He beat Gaga to the joke by several years, but because he wears pants and doesn't try to do anything, nobody cared. So now we just look at photos like this...

.. and think, "Oh, please, honey. Gaga SLEEPS in that stuff."

Personally, I think he shouldn't stand for it. I vote for a slapfight. Gaga versus Trendy, winner take all, loser has to spend a year wearing jeans and a t-shirt that says "I *heart* Kitson." Save me a front-row seat.

AMA Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez

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performances

"Hola, world! Mira, we must talk. The rumors are true: I fell during this performance. I fell hard. Mis nalgas are bluer this morning than the uniforms of those Miami Dolphins who are so awesome and who we own part of now! But do you know why I fell, amigos? You don't think it was an ACCIDENT, do you? I mean come on:

"Nobody lets Mr. Love Buckle throw them around unless they EXPECT to fall. (Someone also once told me never to put Mr. Love Buckle in the corner, but you know what? I did, and it was FINE, once he stopped crying and doing the merengue and telling me his name was Frances.) I knew what was going to happen, mi gente. I WANTED to fall. Why? To teach you a lesson. Do you see me up here, in my flowery bloomers and tights and my clothes and shoes like I am the foxiest boxer in a private league owned by Siegfried and Roy (and my Marc, because he is so very sporty now, with his buying part of the Dolphins, who throw around the ball)? Well, see, Mr. Love Buckle and his friend, Hunchy Shorts, represent the mountain of fabulousness that I climb every day. It is the height of perfection, amigos. But some people, they climb this mountain without hooks and ropes and sherpas and Love Buckles and Eddie Bauer tents and helicopters and elevators and personal chefs. And so sometimes, people who are not me? They fall. And so I wanted to SHOW them that you can get back up and DANCE, amores. You see, it was all for you. Because I am Jennifer Lopez, and I love you, and I suffer for you, like Jesus but with a better ass... Ay, Mr. Christ, I am kidding! HA HA HA! You are mighty. Who is your trainer? Pssst, don't use Ben Assfleck's. He has the abs of an inflatable boat. HA HA HA HA! Call me.

Te adoro,
J

American Music Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys

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I know I've seen this dress on someone else before and I have no idea who it was, or where. It might have been Beyonce, and I think she might have looked cute in it. That seems possible, right? (I'm sure I'm wrong and it's probably actually the opposite of Beyonce. So, like, Ruth Bader Ginsburg.)

Regardless, I think Alicia looks pretty cute, too. It is always such a damn relief when she isn't wearing a jumpsuit, or pants so tight I worry she's modeling the "Before" look in a Monistat ad. This color is great on her, and she's working the cut. (Also, I think I love her clutch.)

HOWEVER.

My feelings about those shoes are mixed, at best. No. I can't lie. I am not into them. They look like the world's most expensive dyed-to-match bridesmaid shoes. Anything that coordinated makes my face hurt.

poll by twiigs.com

American Music Awards Fug Carpet: Leona Lewis

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It appears that Leona Lewis has really embraced the concept of recycling:

"Why?" I hear you asking. "Is that dress constructed of an old tarp? Have those shoes secretly been made from re-purposed tires?" The answer to those questions, Fug Nation, is: I don't know. (And that, yes, those shoes are terrible.) I was speaking more literally. Allow me to refresh your memory as to what Ms Lewis -- who is very pretty regardless -- wore to the European Music Awards:

Continue reading American Music Awards Fug Carpet: Leona Lewis.

AMA Fug Carpet: Colbie Caillat

Something about this dress feels as if the designer would be surprised to see it looking thusly:

That little hook between her boobs looks home-sewn, like Colbie was so paranoid about slipping out of it that she rigged it herself to stay shut. And the skirt... I can imagine her standing in front of the mirror going, "I did NOT rub self-tanner ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY ANKLES for it to go unnoticed," and starting to pull, but instead of coming off cleanly, the skirt did that thing like when you try to tear a recipe out of Cooking Light and it won't go in a straight line and then suddenly you've ripped through half the cooking instructions and unless you tape it together you'll NEVER know how long to saute the onions and then your Moroccan tagine will be a MESS. I'm sure by some transitive property that means this dress ruined my dinner, so I'm off to pout now.

American Music Awards Unfug or Fab It Up: Kelly Clarkson

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Let's talk about Kelly Clarkson. The chatter from Fug Nation on Twitter this morning was concerned that we were going to be mean to her. I must be clear: WE LOVE KELLY. Have we been concerned, in the past, that she often seems to get dressed in the dark, wearing a blindfold, standing in the reject pile at the Goodwill, in a land without tailors? Certainly. Kelly has herself admitted that she doesn't have a stylist and when I read that, I thought, "HONEY. YOU NEED ONE. I love you." Because we DO love her. She is so talented! And charming! And talented! And likeable! I literally drove to a county fair to see her perform this year and it was worth it! (Also, they had corn dogs.) So we really provide constructive criticism because we LOVE. It's like when your best friend comes out of the dressing room wearing a dress that is really not very flattering on her. You don't say, "I love you. BUY IT!" You say, "I think I liked the other one better." Anyway, all that being said, this has sort of grown on me overnight, like a fungus:

I think the hose are kind of matronly on her, and the whole thing doesn't feel very YOUTHFUL, but it could be -- and has been -- worse. I like the sparkly bits, and I think if you look at the cut of this, it's actually pretty flattering on her. I just want to young her up a bit. Maybe with actually opaque tights and a slightly shorter skirt? This is a bit too Cute Matron Attending A Holiday Party, when it should be Cute Singer Rocking The Sequins.

Speaking of singing: .

Continue reading American Music Awards Unfug or Fab It Up: Kelly Clarkson.

Freaky Fug Monday: The Voting

Another week, another raft of fabulousness. Sure, it's tempting to revolt against the December holidays rearing their heads before we're even in our Thanksgiving food comas, but you guys resisted the urge to boycott and churned out a hilarious chunk of seasonal song parodies. But we can only vote on a few, and so:

[Photo: Splash News]

THE FINALISTS

1) By BrokeHedonist, to the tune of "The Dreidel Song"

You had a little yorkie;
A hat was on his head,
Which, though made him look dorky,
Matched your Nice n' Easy red.

Just take the early 90's,
Ad Go-Go, and in swirl,
Dionne from "Clueless"; garnish
with an Austin Powers girl.

Gold boots, belt, dog, and sequins,
With doilies on your thighs,
Can't hope to overpower
All the crazy in your eyes.

Oh, Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe
In trompe l'oeil brocade,
You wouldn't even notice
If it rained on your parade.

2) By A Tad More Cowbell, to the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"

You're a weird one, Phoebe Price.
You really are a pill.
You're as fugly as a rictus,
growing up from a landfill.
Phoebe Price.

You're a bad mamber-jamber
disgracing your dogggggg......

You're a monster, Phoebe Price
Your head's an empty hole.
With those hose and go-go boots now
all you need's a stripper pole
Fugly Price.

You're a three-decker Lohan and Sevigny Sandwich
WITHOUT Swinton sauce.

I feel sorry, for your dog.
It's really not it's fault
That you've dressed it like a doily
sweeter than a chocolate malt
Fugly Price

The three words that best describe you are as follows,
and I quote: "Fug. Fugged. Fugly."

3) By Ellen Frances, to the tune of "Baby It's Cold Outside"

Yorkie: I really can't stay...
Phoebe: Baby, wear velour outside.
Yorkie: I've got to go away...
Phoebe: Baby, put on this tiny hat outside.
Yorkie: This evening has been...
Phoebe: Been hoping the Paps would drop in!
Yorkie: Full of distress...
Phoebe: The guest bed throw is now my dress!
Yorkie: PETA will start to worry...
Phoebe: My black Rasta hat is furry!
Yorkie: Dog Rescue will be pacing the floor...
Phoebe: Metalic gold accessories galore!
Yorkie: So really, I'd better scurry...
Phoebe: White eyeshadow makes things so blurry!
Yorkie: Or maybe I won't go on anymore.
Phoebe: Square-toe boots & fishnets: Fo Sho!
Yorkie: I really can't stay,
Phoebe: Baby, you're in choke hold.
Yorkie/Phoebe: Ah, we're so alone inside!

4) By Jenna, to the tune of "Do They Know It's Christmas?"

It's Phoebe time
There's much need to be afraid
At Phoebe time
We banish lights and we hide in shade
And in our world of plenty
We can't spread a smile of joy
Hide your head under the couch at Phoebe time.

But say a prayer
Pray for the furry ones
At Phoebe time
It's so hard when she's having fun
There's a world outside her window
But in it no one knows her name
Where the only thing that stops her
Is her crippling lack of fame
And the camera bulbs that flash there
Are the strobing lights of doom
She just can't believe it's them instead of her!

And there won't be fame in America this Phoebe time
The only thing she'll get this year is scorn
Where no one ever asks
For her stupid autograph
Do they know it's Phoebe time at all?

poll by twiigs.com

Fug Romance

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Rated Fug

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Fug or Fab or Unfug: Natalie Portman

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AMA Fug Carpet: Bobby Trendy

AMA Fug Carpet: Jennifer Lopez

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American Music Awards Fug or Fab Carpet: Alicia Keys

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American Music Awards Fug Carpet: Leona Lewis

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AMA Fug Carpet: Colbie Caillat

American Music Awards Unfug or Fab It Up: Kelly Clarkson

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Freaky Fug Monday: The Voting

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